- 05/15/2012 - 3:10pm
- 04/30/2012 - 10:32am
- 04/29/2012 - 6:31am
Presentation: I recently heard a pastor discuss the topic of spouses who think that they married the wrong person. Dr. Mack Brunson from First Baptist Jacksonville spoke of how a spouse uses this type of phrase to justify many of their feelings and actions. I personally have lost count of the number of spouses who have used similar phrases to describe the feelings they have toward their mates when it appears the love has been lost or damaged. I recently spoke with a person who felt that they had married outside of God’s will by committing themselves with a person who had no real interest in spiritual matters and unremorsefully had entered into an affair with another person. One Christian relationship after another has entered into a disillusioned state because of intense hurt, pain, loneliness, and selfishness on the part of one or both spouses who have become too impatient to wait on an answer from God in their relationship. They have reached the point where they simply conclude that they feel like they married the wrong person. Before I address the question of whether a spouse can marry the wrong person I want to discuss the actions of a person who may have reached this conclusion. If a spouse is fixed on believing that they married the wrong person then they must conclude that the right person must be out there waiting on them. Whether in actual words or actions they have also concluded that it is perfectly acceptable to continue treating their spouse as the wrong person since they obviously made a mistake in marrying them. A spouse with this mindset has placed themselves in an extremely vulnerable position because I can assure you that the counterfeit mister or miss right person is out there waiting for their shot! It’s that person with the listening ear who claims to know just how you feel. It’s that person you have convinced yourself that you can be deeper with than your spouse because they know and accept you and make you feel so good about yourself. Before you know it you are treating this stranger in your life as the right person and shoving your mate to the curb as the wrong person. The truth is that the new mister or miss right doesn’t know you better at all. In her book “I Do Again” Cheryl Scruggs concludes that in emotional affairs the stranger always wins because they know only the good side and don’t see you in the confines of your own home. They are safe because you can choose what you want them to know and leave out the weaknesses. You can simply live day to day in the “drug-like” euphoria of the moment with that person and become addicted to feelings and experiences with the so-called stranger. I like referring to this state of mind as counterfeit contentment because although it looks and feels real, deep down it’s all a façade of deceit and betrayal. The Bible says that it is a dangerous infatuation when feelings grow faster than our commitment. (Songs 2:7) We have now returned to the million-dollar question of whether a spouse can marry the wrong person. A drum-roll is not necessary for me to answer this question and I am certain some will both agree and disagree with my conclusion. According to the Bible (the only authority) a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they will become one flesh. (Gen 2:24) As we continue through the Bible we see numerous illustrations of the importance of permanent or lasting marriages. Jesus told us in Matthew that marriage is a permanent union between man and woman. (Matt 19:6) We see examples of where although Abigail married David, she did not do so until her husband died. (1 Sam 25) Another powerful story is found in Esther where she was married to the king and she was lonely and miserable. She had not seen her husband, the king, for weeks when her cousin, Mordecai, encouraged her. He told her that she had been placed in this marriage and had a great purpose for such a time as this! (Esther 4:14; Rom 8:28) We are pretty deep into this paragraph and I have yet to answer the question of whether a person can marry the wrong person. My answer to this question is that whether you have married the wrong person or the right person it is totally irrelevant! It doesn’t matter if you married the right wrong person because God has called you to be the right person! In your marriage God has placed a call on you to obey Him and all the plans He has for you. Your purpose in your marriage is to strive toward obedience to God regardless of how you feel. My wife April and I can testify that there were mornings we awoke in our marriage when we felt lonely and miserable, and all we had was obedience. Someone reading this article may be there today. Maybe the grass is looking greener or you just aren’t happy in your marriage. You will not find a single scripture that commands you to be happy in your marriage, but I can find plenty that call you to honor your commitment also known as your marriage covenant! Even when you can’t see the purpose in returning or staying in what seems to be a miserable marriage, God is strong and firm in his purpose for you. He has placed you in your marriage (kids or no kids) for such a time and purpose as this. Don’t give up on the covenant you made with God to remain in your marriage. Understand that through your successes and failures in your marriage that God desires your obedience to Him. If you have lost the “feelings” for your husband or wife then pray for restoration and that God would bring back the feelings. The key is a desire to be obedient to him first, and then wait patiently for the feelings to be restored by God, not by you. Aren’t you glad that as the bride of Christ we have never been left because of all of our many failures and affairs? Christ loved us through some of the craziest behavior one could ever imagine, and yet he didn’t leave us for a person who seemed more right. The Bible says that God commended His love to us in that while we were active in our sin, he still died for us! (Rom 5:8) I don’t think Jesus felt like being beat by strange men and hung on a cross to suffer until dead, but he did it anyway. He showed us a level of commitment that has a permanent and unconditional meaning. To wives and husbands with unloving spouses I offer my sympathy, but I offer no get out of marriage free card. (Matt 19:6) God has placed you where you are whether wrong or right to be the right person and to be obedient to God. God will provide the contentment you need and will sustain you because of your obedience. (Phil 4:11) |
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www.0y7.net
very difficult to understand
I have read your stand on wrong or right spouse with utmost interest. But I still find it difficult to swallow completely.
First of all, I want to ask if it is right that a man who believes he has married the wrong woman should keep living with her even though there is no more love between them.
I think Love is the driver of every marriage. Once the love has gone after so many trials, then I dont think it is worth it. Especially, when you discovered that you married this person for all the wrong reasons. Pressure from others to get married made you to think that she was the right person.
4 years going and every day is a bad story worse than the previous day.
She does not give me peace of mind nor comfort. She is always very ready to stand on the side of an opposing idea to my stand point. Will never show that she is on my side. Takes joy in being on the contrary side all the time. I feel wasted and less than I am supposed to be. She does not give me any emotional comfort or attention. My welfare is not really her priority. She still puts her brothers sisters and parents first before me and our child.
This is really painful and has started to cause me health problems.
Am I supposed to remain in this hell for ever? I have tried to talk to her and tell her about this things. But one minute she promises to change and the next second she is repeating the same things.
Our priorities are totally out of sync.
She will always do things at her own pace and wish. Very hard to make any sacrifices for me.
Due to this attitude of her not taking my opinions seriously, I have lost something very precious to us. I will never be the same again without what I lost. It is an everlasting wound in my heart. I break every day because of this loss of ours.
Yet she continues in her old ways. I just dont understand this. Sometimes I am almost forced to think she is an agent sent to bring my downfall. I dont know what happiness means anymore.
How am I supposed to carry on like this.
Its too much for me. and totally beyond what I can handle right now.
I dont know what else to do.
Please help.
The plight of finding purpose
If love is the sole driver of every marriage then the only reasons some marriages last is nothing more than luck.
You are speaking with someone who has been through hurt, and has also spent thousands of hours with hurting and hopeless spouses. A great deal of the spouses that enter my office come alone because their spouse has no desire to change or make sacrifices. The hardest part of our life both in and out of marriage has to be doing things with no hope of a simple thank you. It truly is life-sucking, but then we have to evaluate where we are looking for our true sense of purpose.
It seems you entered into this relationship with the stipulation of "as long as". As long as you make me happy", "as long as you do your half." Seems like a reasonable expectation, and in a secular or non-Christian marriage it is very much so. To be in a relationship you feel is a prison with punishment seems unfair, but I must ask what you have done to nurture it. What is it that your spouse is holding onto that isn't resolved? Are you treating your spouse like you have already given up? Are your responses just as sinful as that of your unresponsive spouse? I am sorry if this seems "in your face", but I need to balance this. If I presumed that circumstances were just as you portrayed them, I see why you would be ready to give up. In your view I understand you believe the situation is pure torture. Still I must ask when Jesus gave up on you? Have you lost sight of the grace showed to you by Christ. Were you always deserving of the grace you were shown? Did Jesus put a limit on anything he has given you? Yes I am assuming you are a believer, and if you aren't some of this may not make any sense.
Yes I know it seems I am being tough, but you can't lose sight of your real purpose. Happiness isn't the goal of your life although you will experience those moments. Jesus prayed in the garden that His Father would be glorified through his suffering. Jesus modeled that even when He was suffering, His needs were secondary in light of His mission.
Let me ask you some additional questions. Are you being the kind of spouse that your wife could change her heart about? Are you displaying a Christ like spirit that shows that you desire to glorify Him even in your weaknesses? Have your circumstances driven you to seek your contentment from Christ or are you just seeking to look for faults and failures in everything around you?
My guidance and direction to you is to seek fulfillment through serving and drawing closer to Jesus Christ. Seek ways to serve Him, and be an example of patience, endurance, and Love to your family. Seek to focus on your own faults, and be refined through your trial. Your purpose isn't to find happiness in this life whether your spouse ever does or doesn't. You are on a mission to honor Christ and glorify Him in all your actions! You can do it! You will continuse to suffer from extreme anxiety, and physical ailments as long as you think your goal is to be "happy" and get what you believe you deserve.
Start setting a tone in your house that shows you will serve Jesus and honor him in your conduct regardless of the actions and responses of your spouse.
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