The Biblical Counseling Moment

Presentation: 

In Sickness and in Health.pdf

We have all heard this wording in a wedding vow before. “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.” Most of us have said a similar vow if we are married, but did you ever sit down and consider what it really means to stay with someone through their sickness? As husband and wife we both play an important role in the physical, emotional and spiritual health of our spouses. When we first make these promises at the altar it sounds like a fairly easy proposition to be there during the good and bad times, but through the years we see that there are complexities in our relationships that we never could have anticipated! Being there during sickness is more than simply running to the drug store and picking up a prescription for your spouse. Enduring through the seasons of sickness in your marriage requires a great deal of self-sacrifice and effort that rarely brings recognition. In fact some of the symptoms of this sickness could make a spouse want to “wash their hands” of the relationship. The truth is many do. In this article I want to examine the three categories of sickness we will face in our marriage and examine in a general way what the symptoms may look like. I am not a medical doctor so don’t worry about any big words or phrases you may read. We will stick to laymen’s terms. I am nothing more than an assistant to the Master heart surgeon administering Biblical direction to sick hearts. (Jeremiah 17:9) Physical Sickness When our spouse suffers from a physical sickness it can manifest itself through an endless number of symptoms. If a spouse is diagnosed with cancer they may suffer from nausea, pain and weakness throughout their body. It may require the use of chemotherapy or radiation which could result in physical changes in the way our spouse appears. They may lose all of their hair or lose a large amount of weight. It may affect the way your spouse may treat you because they have no strength or energy to meet your needs. They may treat you rudely and say things that they would not normally say as a loving and healthy spouse. If a spouse has surgery or heart issues it may require the other spouse to carry a bigger part of the load in the day to day household duties. It may be almost burdensome for one spouse to do more, but they understand that their spouse is sick and they want to honor their commitment to endure in the relationship. They don’t help and assist their spouse with the motive that they will be returned the favor at a later time, but they do it out of love and commitment. A spouse doesn’t change a bed pan or a colostomy bag because its fun, but they do it out of love and commitment to their spouse. They want to be there for their spouse through the sickness as well as the health part. It is an unconditional act of love and service that honors their commitment and in turn honors God. Emotional Sickness Emotional Sickness Emotional sickness comes in a variety of conditions that can range from personality disorders to depression. Depression can be quite life-sucking to a relationship because of the tendency to withdraw and push away from your spouse. Whether the depression is chemical, spiritual or a combination of both, it can make a spouse feel extreme loneliness and abandonment even when they never leave the house. When a spouse is depressed they will not go out of their way to meet the needs of their mate. They may even withdraw to the point of hardly speaking. It is a hard and difficult road for those married to a depressed spouse, and the only way to make it through these times is to endure with God’s help. You have to realize that your efforts to care for your spouse may not be reciprocated, but that’s when your desire to obey God and honor your commitment must be enduring and resolute. (2 Tim 1:9) Spiritual Sickness Spiritual Sickness Spiritual Sickness can be manifested in an infinite number of ways that can go in some rather extreme directions. The peculiar thing about spiritual sickness is that it can manifest itself in what we don’t do as much as what we do. We refer to this as sins of omission where we fail to be the person God desires for us to be. Spiritual sickness comes on the strongest from failing to spend time in God’s Word and failing to pray or praying with the wrong motives. It is not always easily diagnosed because the spiritually sick person may be parading as a spiritually well person. They do this by continuing to attend church and social functions as though nothing is really wrong with them and they know the churchy lingo. A spiritually sick person may be prone to commit sin and treat their spouse in an ungodly fashion. They may even be tempted to succumb to sins outside of their marriage such as unfaithfulness to their spouse. They may talk abusively and hateful to their spouse and use critical language. This kind of spiritually sick spouse may have an addiction to a substance or person outside of their marriage. Overall a spiritually sick spouse is in very poor condition and in need of acute care, but how does a spouse provide that care? You may think I have just set an inescapable marriage trap, but let’s think about this for a moment. All sin stems from spiritual sickness meaning our selfishness, poor choices, words and actions. (Jer 17:9; Rom 3:23) When we are spiritually sick we are incapable of making the right choices and will be more likely to choose our sin and selfishness before holiness. In a marriage that sin can be some pretty repulsive and damaging things. If we think about sins in marriage it could be lying, abandonment, deception, substance abuse, adultery, and verbal abuse. Maybe a husband is failing to be the spiritual leader in his home and has not nurtured a Jesus centered family. (1Tim 3:4-5) There are many more we could list, but this gives you an idea of the kind of spiritually sick sins that can occur. I have left a big question as to how we go about treating the spiritually sick spouse and I will get a lot of excuses later about why it isn’t possible, but that’s okay. I understand that it is hard to play doctor to a spouse who is spiritually sick or unresponsive. That sickness may be manifesting itself through acts that you feel are a direct attack on you, but they aren’t. Any spiritually sick spouse is sinning directly against God first. They are in a state of selfish and sinful rebellion that needs triage! Treating Your Spiritually Sick Spouse The first step in the process of treating your spiritually sick spouse is to make sure you are not part of the problem. If you are the husband then you need to reflect upon whether you have been the sincere spiritual leader and loving husband in your household. You will need to begin the process of change in yourself and ask God to forgive you for your failure and sin to be the sincere spiritual leader. The Bible says it would be better to put a huge stone around your neck and jump into deep waters than to hypocritically mislead even one little one. (Luke 17:2) Instead of focusing on the spiritual sickness and sin of your spouse, take time to focus on yourself and where you need to be. No surgeon’s assistant walks into an operating room to perform surgery with dirty hands! The more you focus on yourself and your own obedience to God you will begin to be a usable tool be divinely enabled to help your spiritually sick spouse. You can’t put a time limit on how long this may take. Becoming who God wants you to be takes endurance and lots of time. It takes more than a thirty day boot camp to become what God wants you to be. Be patient with yourself and God’s work in your life and it will teach you to be patient with your spiritually sick spouse. (Is 40:31; Rom 12:12) The second step in the treatment process is to never give up on your spiritually sick spouse no matter how hopeless the situation appears. Even if your spiritually sick spouse spits in your face and betrays your trust, you must endure and support them through prayer and forgiveness! (Eph 5:25) We are commanded in Ephesians for husbands to love our wives as Christ loved and gave himself for the church. When you consider how Christ was treated by the church it puts a solemn perspective on the hurt we must endure from our spouses. Let me remind you that you weren’t called to happiness in your marriage, but to holiness in Christ Jesus. It doesn’t feel pleasant to be hurt by the one you love and to be walked upon, but Jesus gave us an example by what he allowed Himself to be subjected to because of His love for us. Jesus never gave up on us even when we were living in open and willful rebellion and sin against him! (Rom 5:8) We were terminal in our sins and He revived us! Here is a lesson for husbands when it comes to their wives. Stop thinking your wife is disposable just because she is damaged goods and see her for what she really is. She is a redeemed child of God forgiven through the sacrificial blood of Jesus Christ just like you! The third step in the treatment process is to love your spouse no matter what the circumstances. There is a verse in Romans that says “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” (Rom 12:10) Paul wrote this to teach the church how they should love one another. If he wrote this to the church in general how much more does this apply to our spiritually sick spouse? We need to love them even when they push away and act as though they are repulsed by our love. Consider the way we treat Jesus many times in our own life when we give into selfishness and self-centeredness. If Christ still loves us, how much more should we endure in love toward our spouses! Don’t give into that carnal feeling to declare your relationship dead because Christ never gave up on you! Husbands love your wives just like Jesus enduringly loves us! Listen to me good! It is never your responsibility in the relationship to your spiritually sick spouse to declare them dead to you! God will never tell you to walk away from your marriage because he hates divorce. (Mal 2:16) The fourth and final step in this treatment process is to leave the results in God’s Hands and be patient. (Rom 8:28) Let me ask the question you may be already considering. The question is if there is any guarantee of what the result will be, and my answer is yes. The result for the obedient spouse who chooses to treat their spiritually sick spouse is that their life will be miraculously changed forever. You cannot control the way the spiritually sick spouse will respond to your obedience, but that was never the purpose of your actions. Your purpose was to walk in holiness and obedience to God’s direction for your life. That clear-cut direction was to show unconditional and relentless love for your spiritually sick spouse regardless of the outcome. All things will work together for good to those who love the Lord first and following His calling and purpose for their lives. (Rom 8:28) Stop praying for a specific result in your marriage and simply pray for God’s will to be done.